Rogues on Vacation
by scarlett onyx
Summary: The Riddler thinks that Jonathan Crane is a workaholic. But will Eddie be able to get the Master of Fear out of the house for a vacation?
1. Chapter 1

**Disc: don't own Jonathan and Eddie**

Jonathan Crane carefully poured one drop of a pinkish liquid into a large beaker of a glowing orange substance, stepping to the side of his lab table as he did so. Unfortunately, he had left a rather large book on psychology in that precise place and he stumbled, knocking over the beaker and sending the eyedropper flying over to a crowded shelf, where it bounced between a few brim-full beakers before knocking them both over. Seated in the corner of the room on a stack of dusty old record books, Edward Nygma glanced up from his cross-word puzzle.

"Problems?" he drawled, filling in a word. Jonathan groaned and sat up, muttering something decidedly unpleasant under his breath.

Eddie sighed and set down the puzzle book. "You know what you need, Jon?"

"A mop that won't disintegrate on contact with these chemicals?"

"No…a vacation."

The Master of Fear rolled his eyes and snatched up some protective gloves and several rags. "I do _not_ need a vacation. What I _need_ is to get this mopped up so I can continue on this toxin."

The Riddler shook his head. "That's your problem! All you do is work, work, work, and you never save any time for the _fun_ stuff!"

"Who says work isn't fun?"

Now it was Eddie's turn to roll his eyes. "You, my friend, are a first class workaholic."

"Says the man who spends hours working on deathtraps that never work."

The Riddler looked hurt. "That last one had potential…"

Jonathan sighed and straightened up from the rapidly corroding spot of floor he was attempting to clean.

"Look, I'm sorry. But I'm really busy now, what with the new toxin and everything and I just can't go on a vacation now."

The Riddler stood, picking up his puzzle book. "We'll see about that…" he muttered to himself.

"What was that?" Jonathan asked, scrubbing the floor again.

Eddie smiled. "Oh, nothing…"


	2. The Pizza is Lie

**Disc.: don't own Jonathan, Eddie, or Gotham City**

Edward Nygma juggled a box in one hand and picked the lock on the Master of Fear's lair door with the other, walking into the lab where Jonathan Crane was once again hard at work on his latest toxic mixture.

"Hey," Eddie said, poking the Scarecrow's shoulder. "Take a load off. I brought pizza."

He waved the box under the Master of Fear's nose invitingly. Jonathan scowled and pushed it away, continuing to mix the solution in front of him. The Riddler sighed and walked over to the pile of record books in the corner. Sitting down on them, he opened the box and carefully selected a slice of pizza, bringing it to his mouth. "I guess I'll just have to eat this all by myself then…" he murmured, taking a small bite between his teeth and taking care not to get grease stains on his shirt. Jonathan stirred the mixture a few more times, then sighed and walked over to Eddie, holding out his hand for a piece. The Riddler smiled. "Ah, ah, ah…what do you say?" The Master of Fear grimaced and muttered, "Please."

The Prince of Puzzle's smile turned into a grin as he nodded and opened the box, extracting a slice with lots of pepperoni on it. "Here you go!" he said cheerfully, handing it to Jonathan.

The Master of Fear grabbed the slice and took a bite, surveying his laboratory. _So many toxins, so little time…_Maybe he should take Eddie up on his offer of a vacation. Although he'd never admit it, Jonathan was beginning to seriously think he needed a break.

No. He'd be fine…The Master of Fear yawned hugely and then blinked. Suddenly, he felt tired. And not just tired because he'd been working all day. _Really_ tired, like he'd been working 24/7 for a week. Jonathan turned to Eddie, but it felt like he was moving through quicksand. "I'm going to go get….a glass…of ….water…"

The Riddler stood quickly, catching Jonathan as he toppled over. Eddie grinned, turning around so he could half position the Master of Fear over his back. The sleeping pills in the pizza had been a good idea. Still smiling, the Prince of Puzzles dragged the unconscious Jonathan to the door.

?

Jonathan Crane awoke with the curious sensation of movement…like he was in a car. His eyes snapped open.

He _was_ in a car.

And not just any car. The Master of Fear was currently lying on what looked like one of the cushioned "sleep corners" of an….._RV?_

"NYGMA!"

The vehicle lurched to the right, tipping ominously. Jonathan clung to the cushions beneath him as it slowly evened out and pulled over.

As soon as the RV pulled to a stop, Edward Nygma stepped out of the little cabin at the front, wearing Bermuda shorts, a purple t-shirt, and bright green Converse sneakers. "Oh, good!" he exclaimed, flopping down at the mini table in the middle of the RV. "You're awake!"

Jonathan scowled at him. "How did I get here?"

"I brought you here, silly!" Eddie said, grinning. "We're going on vacation, just like I promised!"

The Master of Fear groaned and flopped down on the cushions. "Where exactly _are_ we?"

Eddie grinned wider. "Somewhere in the country side."

"You mean you don't know where we are?"

"No…I mean we are somewhere in the country side."

Jonathan scowled and curled into a ball, pulling blanket over himself and glaring at the Riddler, who laughed. "You look like a very angry, green hedgehog." He motioned to the blanket, which was indeed green. "Don't worry." Eddie chirped. "This'll be fun!"


	3. The Cabin of Doom

**Disc: Eddie and Jonathan belong to DC **

"You know, Eddie, next time you steal an RV and drug me into an insane little road-trip, can you at _least_ steal one with air conditioning?"

"Look, I'm _sorry_, ok? And I didn't steal it! I bought it, fair and square."

"You _bought_ this piece of scrap metal?"

"Yes, I did! And the guy said that it was practically brand new."

Jonathan Crane rubbed his temples, fanning himself with his other hand. "'Practically' is a very relative term, Eddie."

The Riddler sighed and removed first one hand, then the other, from the steering wheel. His fingers left streaks of moisture on the plastic. The Master of Fear was right. It was terribly hot in the RV. Even with all the windows open, Eddie's face was glistening with sweat, making his t-shirt cling and his eyes sting as drips of saltwater splashed into them. On top of that, it was getting dark. Night didn't bring any cooler weather, however, and they would need to stop somewhere to sleep. There was no way they were going to stay in this huge metal oven.

Not that he'd ever admit that to Jonathan.

"If you want, we can try to find someplace to stay." he muttered idly. Jonathan nodded enthusiastically.

~30 minutes later~

"LOOK!" Eddie shouted suddenly, and Jonathan nearly fell off the cushions in the back of the RV again. He'd just dozed off when the Riddler's shout broke the stillness and the Master of Fear was none too happy about being awakened from his little catnap. "Look at _what_?" he snarled, stomping to the front of the RV and flopping into the front passenger seat.

"_Well_," said the Riddler, grinning at him, "_someone's_ growly today. I would have thought a nap would improve your mood."

"It would have, if you hadn't yelled and woken me up!" Jonathan snapped. "Now what am I supposed to be looking at?"

Eddie pointed at a small brown smudge in the distance. "See that?" he asked.

"Yeah, what about it?"

"I think it's a cabin."

"So?"

"Think anybody's there? They shouldn't be. After all, it isn't a holiday and most people work…"

Jonathan sighed, nodding.

"Maybe it has air conditioning."

"Well, _anything_ is better than this tin can."

"Hey!" Eddie said, looking offended. "I bought this 'tin can' and cleaned it with my own blood, sweat, and tears!"

Jonathan snorted. "'blood, sweat, and tears'?"

"Yeah, I nicked my thumb on a sharp piece of metal and boy, did it hurt. It's scabbed now, see?" he held up his right thumb to the Master of Fear, showing off a purplish scab.

Jonathan rolled his eyes. "How far to the cabin?"

"At this distance? I'm guessing about…ten minutes."

~ten minutes later~

"So…what do we do? Are you just going to walk up and knock?"

The Riddler nodded and slid from the driver's seat. He'd parked the RV a little ways from the cabin, in case there actually _was_ someone there. But even at this distance, he doubted it. The cabin looked old, and was probably abandoned. Still, it would probably be cooler than the vehicle. Jonathan watched as Eddie walked casually, or as casually as someone who has a bright purple t-shirt and blindingly green tennis shoes on can walk. The Riddler walked to the door and knocked on it, waited for a minute, then picked the lock, pushing the door open. He disappeared inside for a moment, then stuck his head and an arm out a window, giving Jonathan a thumbs up. The Master of Fear nodded back and slid into the driver's seat, turning the engine and bringing the RV closer to the small cabin. Putting the vehicle in park, the Master of Fear stepped out, just in time to see the Riddler come flying out of the cabin, arms flailing in a terrified wind milling motion as he tore over to the Scarecrow, screaming one word:

"WOODCHUUUUUUCK!"

Out of breath and gasping for air, Eddie ducked behind Jonathan, cowering behind the taller man.

"It-it was _huge_!" he wheezed.

Jonathan rolled his eyes. "Oh, for heaven's sake, it can't be _that_ big."

"It was as big as my _head_, Jonathan!"

The Master of Fear turned around and smirked at the Riddler, ruffling his hair with one hand. "Don't be silly. There _are_ no woodchucks that big."

Eddie scowled. "This is _not_ a laughing matter!"

"Oh, of _course_ not." Jonathan said sarcastically. "Look. Why don't you show me this woodchuck of yours?"

The Riddler shook his head frantically. "Uh-uh. You do _not_ want to see that thing. I don't know what it's been eating, but it is _definitely_ not vegetables!"

Jonathan raised an eyebrow. "Woodchucks are vegetarian. It's a good thing you weren't wearing your usual outfit, he probably would have thought that you were some sort of mutant green bean, or something…"

Eddie's scowl turned into a grimace. How _dare_ Jonathan mock his fashion sense. Edward Nygma was _fabulous_. Creeping out from behind the Master of Fear, Eddie pointed to the door of the cabin. "You want to see it so bad? Then you go in. And don't come crying to me when it starts nibbling!"

Jonathan smirked again and nodded. "Fine. I'll go in there. And I'll be fine. Because no woodchuck is going to touch me."

Eddie crossed his arms. "Fine."

"Fine."

And the Master of Fear entered the cabin.


	4. Rabid Woodchucks and Unlikely Heroes

**Disc: don't own Jonathan or Eddie**

"Wait!" Edward Nygma screeched before Jonathan Crane entered the cabin. Jonathan sighed and turned around.

"Now what?"

The Riddler leaned down, snatching something from the ground beside him.

"It's dangerous to go alone. Take this!" he flourished the stick he'd just picked up and handed it to the Scarecrow.

"Wow." Jonathan said, words dripping with sarcasm, "I honestly don't know how to thank you."

Eddie took a step back and raised his hands. "Hey, _I'm_ not gonna poke that thing with a stick."

"Oh, so you want _me_ to do it for you, is that right? Thank you _so_ much."

Eddie grinned. "You're welcome."

Jonathan rolled his eyes and squared his shoulders, heading into the dim interior of the cabin.

A sound rustled from his right. Brandishing the stick as if it were the mightiest of swords, Jonathan whirled on the sound.

He immediately felt quite silly, standing there like a knight in shining armor about to defeat…nothing.

Suddenly another rustle came from his left. Jonathan whirled again, once more waving the stick menacingly in the air.

Nothing.

"Hmm." Jonathan murmured, letting the stick drop to his side. Maybe Eddie had been mistaken. Or the 'giant mutant woodchuck' had simply run off. Either way, there was nothing here…Turning, the Master of Fear began to head back out into the sunlight to try to convince the Riddler that the coast was clear.

And then it happened.

One moment Jonathan was walking towards the door, the next, something extremely large and furry was attached to his leg.

"GAH!" Jonathan exclaimed, kicking at the creature. "GET OFF!"

The gigantic thing did not heed the Master of Fear's instruction, and instead decided it was going to try to climb up his pant leg.

Jonathan kicked furiously, trying to free his leg of the thing. Eddie had been right. The woodchuck was _huge_.

And it wasn't happy at having its home invaded.

On top of this, all of the Master of Fear's kicking, combined with the weight of the animal, caused Jonathan to over-balance, sending him sprawling on his backside. The woodchuck, using this turn of events to his advantage, began to walk slowly and deliberately up Jonathan's body, towards his head, growling menacingly all the way.

MEANWHILE

Edward Nygma's eyes widened as he heard the Master of Fear's shout. Then came 'GET OFF!' and the Riddler's worst fears were confirmed.

THE WOODCHUCK WAS _EATING_ JONATHAN!

MEANWHILE

Jonathan Crane writhed back and forth as the woodchuck advanced, trying to throw the animal off and at the same time, inconspicuously reach for the stick, which he had dropped. The woodchuck hissed at him and clung on tighter, pressing its needle-like claws into the Master of Fear's legs.

Jonathan's left eye twitched. It was getting closer. If he could just reach that stick he could…"AUGH! OW! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! I AM NOT MEANT TO BE CLIMBED! NO HIGHER, YOU HEAR ME? OR I WILL…"

Suddenly, a shout came from the door, and Jonathan twisted his neck to see the outline of the Riddler, edged with the late-afternoon sunlight.

"I'LL SAVE YOU!" and with another mighty war-cry, the Prince of Puzzles dove for the stick and began to smack the woodchuck for all he was worth. "TAKE THAT! AND THAT! AND THAT! AND THAT TOO! YOU WILL NOT EAT HIM!"

Jonathan wriggled around, trying to avoid the blows. "Eddie! Be careful! I'm under him and OOOOOH….ouch. That was me."

The woodchuck, thoroughly confused and angered all the more by its valiant attacker, growled and snapped, sinking its teeth deep into the stick. The Riddler gave a rather un-mighty squeak of terror and threw the stick, snarling woodchuck and all, out the door, slamming it behind it.

For a moment, the two men just looked at each other. Then Eddie clapped his hands, doing a little impromptu dance of triumph. "I DID IT! I DEFEATED THE WOODCHUCK!"

Jonathan blinked and then stood, wincing and breathing heavily. He turned to Eddie. "You…you…COULD HAVE KILLED ME!"

Eddie stared at him. "I got the woodchuck."

But Jonathan wasn't listening. "YOU SENT ME IN HERE WITH A RABID OVERGROWN RODENT! IT COULD HAVE BITTEN ME! DID IT BITE ME? I MIGHT HAVE RABIES!"

Eddie blinked. "Well, you certainly are foaming at the mouth."

"NOT FUNNY, EDWARD!"

The Riddler brushed himself off gripped Jonathan by the shoulders. "I don't see any blood, so it probably didn't bite you. And I didn't _make _you come in here…"

Jonathan, feeling somewhat better after his outburst, let out an explosive sigh. "Yeah…well, you're right. Um…thanks."

Eddie grinned. "No problem! Oh, and…um…you're going to need some new pants…they're…um…in the RV."

Jonathan raised an eyebrow. "Why would I need…" then he looked down. "Oh. Oh, I see. Ahem. Well, then…yes, I'll just go…"

And the Master of Fear quickly exited the cabin to go change, keeping his hands over the rather large hole in his pants and checking around him for abnormally large woodchucks.


	5. The Haunted Cabin

**Disc: don't own Jonathan or Eddie**

After the woodchuck incident, Jonathan Crane had been pleased to find that the cabin had two bedrooms, both of which had large beds. He'd looked in the drawers of the dresser in one of the rooms and found several sets of sheets. The linens were a bit musty, but they were soft, and the Master of Fear was so tired, he didn't care what they smelled like.

He'd had just drifted off to sleep when a decidedly girlish scream echoed from the room across the hall. Leaping out of bed, he Master of Fear skidded across the floor and into the hall.

"Eddie?" he called, "Eddie, what happened? Are you alright?"

No sooner had he asked the question, than Edward Nygma tore out of his room, ducking behind the Scarecrow and running his hands repeatedly over his face, which looked whiter than a sheet.

"Eddie, what's wrong?" Jonathan asked again, turning to look at the Prince of Puzzles. "You look like you've seen a ghost!"

The Riddler blinked, eyes wide. "I-I-I…"

"You what?"

"SOMETHING BRUSHED MY FACE!" Eddie blurted.

Jonathan raised an eyebrow and shook his head. "_What_ brushed your face?"

"I don't know!" Eddie screeched. "Something! And when I opened my eyes, I saw this fluttery white thing! And then it was gone!"

Without meaning to, the Master of Fear gave a short laugh. "Wait…so you're saying the cabin is haunted?"

The Riddler's eyes grew even larger and suddenly Jonathan wished he hadn't made that remark.

"LET'S GO!" Eddie yelped, pushing Jonathan towards the door. The Master of Fear resisted, turning back to the Riddler, which caused the Prince of Puzzles to face-plant against the Scarecrow's chest. Jonathan rolled his eyes. "Look, Eddie. There is no such thing as ghosts."

"How do you know?"

"Trust me. I know. Now, go back to bed. It's barely dawn." The Riddler turned, slowly shuffling back into his room. "Ok…if you're sure…"

"I'm positive. Goodnight. Or good morning, depending on how you think of it…"

Eddie nodded and headed back into his room.

~Ten Minutes Later~

"AUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

The Master of Fear leaped out of bed for the second time that day, and headed for the Riddler's room. "What is it _now_, Edward?"

The Prince of Puzzles was standing by his bed, pointing at something at the bottom of a the wall opposite it. "It's-it's…ECTOPLASM!"

Jonathan rolled his eyes. "Eddie, you're overly tired. That is mildew. I wonder how long it's been since someone cleaned this place…""THE GHOSTS GOT THEM!"

"No…they probably just don't have the money to keep this place up anymore…where are you going?"

Eddie stormed out of the room, heading for the door. "I'm going to the RV to get the video camera!"

"And just _what_ are you going to do with that?"

"I'm going to catch the ghost…" the Riddler leaned forward conspiratorially, "…on tape. And since it's already been to my room, it's going to go to yours next!"

The Master of Fear shook his head. "Oh no. You are _not_ setting up a camera in my room to tape me when I sleep."

Eddie shook his head right back at the Scarecrow. "Oh, yes, I am! You don't believe me! But you will after you see the proof!"

Jonathan sighed and watched Eddie run out to the RV.

Hopefully, whatever the Riddler managed to record would be something perfectly ordinary like a moth or something…

_And then he could go back to sleep._


	6. The Ghost

**disc: don't own Jonathan or Eddie**

_He was in his lab, working on his fear toxin. The Bunsen burner was lit and chemicals bubbled cheerfully in their beakers as he worked. Everything was perfect._

_And then he heard it. A low moaning, followed by the unmistakable gnashing of teeth. Something flashed in the corner of his vision. He turned. _

_And there it was._

_The woodchuck. _

_It stared back at him blankly, then chattered angrily, gnashing its needle-like teeth together in fury. He backed slowly away from the animal, hoping to distance himself enough so he'd have a chance to run. Just a little bit further…_

_WHAM._

_He yelped as he hit his head on something hard. And now the woodchuck was advancing. It was barely five feet from him when it suddenly opened its mouth and said, "Jonathan."_

_He blinked. Woodchucks couldn't speak! And how did it know his name? _

_The woodchuck opened its mouth again and spoke once more, louder this time. _

"_Jonathan."_

_He bit his lip. Maybe he should answer it…_

"_JONATHAN!"_

"AUGH! WHAT?" Jonathan Crane sat straight up, thrashing wildly around and causing his legs to get entangled in the sheets.

"Are you ok?" a concerned voice asked.

Jonathan looked to the side of the bed and saw the Riddler, dressed in purple shorts now with a lime green t-shirt, peering at him, his face worried.

"I-I'm fine." Jonathan stuttered, rubbing a hand over his face both to expel the last remnants of the dream and to shield his eyes from Eddie's loud outfit.

"Are you sure?" Eddie asked, "You hit your head on the head-board pretty hard…"

"I'm fine." the Master of Fear said again, dragging himself out of bed. "What do you want?"

"I got the tape out of the camcorder!" Eddie said, bouncing up and down excitedly. "I was going to put it in the VCR, but the camera was ON THE GROUND!"

Jonathan sighed. "Alright, alright…let's get this over with."

The two walked into the living room of the cabin, and Eddie inserted the tape into the banged-up looking VCR beneath the even worse looking television set.

Pushing play, he trotted over to the couch and sat down next to the Scarecrow, who yawned. The tape began to play, showing the foot of the Master of Fear's bed and the lump beneath the sheets that was the Master of Fear. For several minutes, nothing happened, with the exception of Jonathan's rolling over in his sleep.

And then, suddenly, there was a flash of white near the bottom of the camera. Eddie gasped, and even Jonathan stared intently at the screen, attention recaptured. And then, there it was again. A sudden flash of white.

"Is that really a…" Eddie began.

Then, all of a sudden, there was a loud crash as the camera fell over, followed by another flash of white.

And then the screen went black.

For a moment, the two men just sat in silence. And then the Riddler pointed a shaking finger at the screen.

"THE GHOST! It knocked over the camera! I TOLD you it was real!"

Jonathan rolled his eyes. "Knock it off, Eddie. I know it was you."

Eddie's eyes widened and he glared at the Scarecrow as if he'd just insulted him. "It was not! It was the ghost! I saw it with my own eyes!"

"Sure."

Eddie raked a hand through his hair, exasperated. "I _know_ what I saw, Jonathan. And I was right. I…"

Suddenly he gasped, face going completely white as he stared at something just behind the Master of Fear.

Jonathan rolled his eyes. "You can drop the act, Eddie. I know there's nothing there." But Eddie wasn't about to agree. Still staring over the Master of Fear's shoulder, he stammered, "G-ghost!"

Jonathan raised an eyebrow but turned, saying, "There is no such thing as…"

Then he saw it.

A large white being, on top of the table!

"…GHOSTS!" he finished, eyes widening at the sight. This was no trick of the light. Suddenly, the ghost leaped off the table and began coming towards them!

Both men turned to each other, and, eyes wide, said one thing.

"AUUUUUGH!"

Grabbing the Master of Fear's arm, Eddie ran for the door. "LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!"

Jonathan willingly followed, not pausing to look behind him and leaving the door to the cabin wide open.

?

Sitting in the doorway to the cabin, the woodchuck watched the RV speed away. Being a woodchuck, it didn't much care that the two men were leaving, it was just happy to have its home to itself again. Crawling out from beneath the white sheet that partially covered it, the woodchuck turned and waddled back inside the cabin.


	7. Roadtrip

**Disc: don't own Jonathan or Eddie**

"Nygma, for the last time, _shut up_."

"Uh-uh! This is my favorite song!"

"_Every_ song is your favorite song."

"Untrue!"

Jonathan Crane sighed and rubbed a hand over his eyes. They had been driving for at least two hours now since the 'ghost incident' which he'd been trying very hard to forget, but the Riddler seemed to have forgotten it a long time ago, as he'd been singing along to every song that came on the radio for the past hour and a half.

Right now, he was swaying back and forth and caterwauling along with "Surfin' USA".

Jonathan glared at him. "Nygma! Hands _on_ the wheel!"

Eddie grinned, bobbing his head up and down. "Sorry! I just have to do the actions! Come on, you can be the backup singer!"

"No."

"Well, you had better get used to it. It's going to take us awhile to get to California."

Jonathan sat straight up. "What?"

"Didn't I tell you?" Eddie asked, "We're goin' to the coast!" Flipping through radio channels, he stopped on one that was playing the Beach Boys rendition of "California Girls". "See? Even the radio agrees."

Jonathan fought the impulse to slam his head against the side of the RV repeatedly. "I don't _want_ to go to California…"

"Why not?" Eddie asked, turning onto the highway. A smaller car honked and Eddie slammed on the horn which made a pleasant, "Dee-deedle-deedle-dee-dee-doo" sound. "Hey, watch it, buddy! I'm driving here!" the Riddler snapped, then turned to Jonathan again. "Why don't you want to go? We'll go to some fun club and meet party girls, and go to the beach and meet surfer girls, and go to the shops and meet…shoppy girls…"

Jonathan rolled his eyes. "I don't want to 'meet girls' and trust me, Eddie, you do _not_ want to see me in a swimsuit."

Eddie rolled his eyes. "How bad could it be? I'll buy you some spray tan. As a matter of fact…"-he reached over, rummaging around in the glove compartment and pulling out a bright orange bottle-"I have some right here! You can put it on next time we stop."

Jonathan shook his head. "No! I do not want spray tan, and I don't want to go to California! I want to be in my lab with my chemicals!"

Eddie shook his head right back at the Master of Fear. "Looks like _someone's _going through workaholic withdrawal…"

Jonathan scowled, slumping down in his seat.

This was going to be a long trip…

**a/n: sorry for the shortness! I'm quite pressed for time…plus I wrote the next 'Jonathan Crane's Journal' today and another fanfic for a different site. More soon!**


	8. California

**Disc: don't own Jonathan or Eddie**

There are some people who love to take road-trips. They routinely pack up their vehicles and head out into the great unknown-happily singing songs and playing license plate games along the way.

Jonathan Crane was not one of these people.

The Scarecrow preferred to stay in one place, working on his toxins and terrorizing the surrounding populace.

So being stuck in a jolting RV with no air conditioning and someone who obviously _loved_ being on this trip for several days was really beginning to get on his nerves.

"Eddie, for the last time, I will not play the alphabet game with you at this time, or any other."

"Ah, come on, Jonathan! It's easy! All you have to do is find a word on a sign that starts with 'A' and then one that starts with 'B' and so on. Please?"

"No."

"Well, that's no fun."

"No. No, it isn't."

Edward Nygma sighed and turned into an intersection. "Well, good news, we're almost there."

"Finally."

"Probably just a few more hours of driving."

Jonathan closed his eyes and curled up on the somewhat soft padded bench of the RV. Maybe if he took a nap it would go a little faster…

?

"Jonathan! Jon, wake up!"

"Mmm…huh? Wa?"

"Look! We're here!"

Jonathan awoke to the Riddler gently shaking his shoulder. The RV was parked alongside the road and when the Master of Fear sat up, he could indeed see palm trees swaying gently in the afternoon breeze. Rubbing his eyes, the Scarecrow stood and walked to the front of the vehicle.

Near the palm trees, patches of flowers grew, their colors varying from hot pink to orange. Jonathan had to admit that it was pretty. He turned to the Riddler, but Eddie was rummaging around in a hidden compartment under a seat cushion.

"Here we are!" he exclaimed, lifting out a bright green duffel bag. Unzipping the bag, he pulled out a shockingly green and purple Hawaiian print shirt and pulled it on over his purple t-shirt. "Ok! Now I'm ready! Let's find a hotel!"

Relieved that they were going to stay in a hotel with actual beds, Jonathan decided not to mention the shirt and nodded, getting into the front passenger seat.

"Smile, Jon-ay!" Eddie said, sliding into the driver's seat. "We're in California!"

?

Close to an hour later, Eddie had managed to find a decent hotel. Not asking where the Riddler had gotten the money for the expensive looking suite, Jonathan stood on the room's balcony that overlooked the ocean and breathed in the sea breeze. The air here was a lot fresher than Gotham's, but maybe that was just because they were near the ocean. Jonathan was so preoccupied with the sights and smells of it all, that he didn't even notice Eddie walk up beside him. "Beautiful, isn't it?" he asked.

Without thinking Jonathan said, "Yes…I mean it better be…we drove long enough."

Eddie smiled and clapped Jonathan on the shoulder. "Well, come on! Let's get something to eat before we head down to the beach!"

Jonathan nodded. "Ok." Then he realized what the Prince of Puzzles had said. "Wait, what? I don't want to go to the beach! Eddie!"

But the Riddler was already out the door.


	9. Swimming Trunks

"Eddie, I don't _want_ to go to the beach."

"Yes, you do! Now put on your trunks, man! I can smell the ocean breezes!"

"That's the air freshener."

The Riddler gave a frustrated sigh and frowned. He'd changed into his bright green swim trunks a half an hour ago and he wanted to leave.

"Just go without me." Jonathan, who was currently hiding in the bathroom, said through the door.

"Uh-uh! We did _not_ drive to California in an RV, braving rabid woodchucks and ghost-cabins just so you can stay in the hotel room the entire vacation. You're coming with me, Jon-ay, if I have to come in there and _drag_ you out! Now put on your trunks!"

"Eddie you do _not_ want me to do that."

"Jon-aaaay!"

"Alright, _fine_!" the Master of Fear opened the door a crack and stuck his head out slightly.

"I don't like them."

"Let me see."

"No!" the door slammed shut again.

"Come _on_, Jon…"

"Why are you so set on this?"

Eddie resisted the urge to stomp his foot and pouted, deciding to use a different tact. "Ok…" he murmured sadly, "I'll just…go…try to have fun by myself…"

An explosive sigh sounded from beyond the door and finally, it creaked open.

"Fine. Here I am. Happy?"

Eddie grinned. "Now was that so hard?"

"I hate this."

"The trunks? Oh, you worry too much. Now, don't forget the sunblock…"

The Scarecrow tugged uncomfortably on his swimming trunks.

_Why, oh, why was he being forced to do this? At least the trunks were black and not some garish shade of green or purple. But did they have to have a grinning fluorescent orange fish stitched on the leg? At least it wasn't further up…_

Eddie bounced up and down on the balls of his feet, flexing his arms. "I've been working out." he announced proudly.

"Mhmm…"

Eddie's smile faltered slightly. "I _said_, 'I've been working out.'"

Jonathan smiled slightly, putting a hand on Eddie's arm. "Wow, Eddie! …um…"

Eddie raised an eyebrow eagerly. "'Ummm'?"

The Scarecrow deliberated fro a few seconds before patting the Riddler's arm. "Yep. That's a muscle." He held his breath, but Eddie grinned, seeming satisfied.

"Let's go!"

Jonathan nodded. "Ok…hold on a second…" Reaching over to the bed, he grabbed something. Eddie shook his head. "Oh, no. You are _not_ wearing a trench coat to the beach." Jonathan put his hands on his hips. "Eddie, you cannot honestly expect me to let the general public view this." He gestured to himself. The Riddler shook his head again. "Hey, _I'm_ going out like this! Because I'm not selfish. They may gaze upon my beauty." Jonathan sighed, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Eddie…" The Prince of Puzzles sighed softly in response and stepped closer to the Master of Fear, laying a hand on his arm. "Look. You can wear a shirt if you want. But you'll attract a lot more attention with the coat." he reached up, squeezing Jonathan's shoulder. "Don't be so self-conscious. You look great."

The Scarecrow smirked. "But not as good as you, right?"

The Riddler grinned. "Well, the ladies do tend to look favorably upon my exquisite features…"

Jonathan rolled his eyes, grabbed a shirt from his suitcase and put his hands on Eddie's shoulders, steering him towards the door.

"Out. Let's get this over with…"


	10. Crabby Crow

Edward Nygma sighed happily, laying back on his beach towel. "This vacation was _such_ a good idea…"

Jonathan Crane didn't look like he was sharing in the Riddler's high spirits. He huddled miserably on the hot sand, trying to cover himself with his towel. Eddie turned to him and shook his head slightly. "Jon…you aren't naked."

The Scarecrow scowled. "This flimsy swim-wear and a t-shirt is _hardly_ adequate covering. Smell that? It's my skin-frying."

The Prince of Puzzles rolled his eyes. "I _highly_ doubt that. You put on half a bottle of sunscreen five minutes ago…"

"Ten minutes."

Eddie laid back down. "Why don't you go stand in the water? That'll cool you off."

There was a silence for a moment and then Jonathan said quietly, "You…know I can't…swim…"

The Riddler blinked and quickly sat up, hugging the Scarecrow. "I'm sorry…I could teach you, you know…and there's plenty of lifeguards…"

Jonathan shook his head. "Not now…I…I'm fine."

Eddie slowly let go and sat back, keeping a hand on the Scarecrow's arm as he thought.

"I know!" he said finally, grinning.

"Wha-"

But Eddie had already taken the Scarecrow's towel, tossing it aside and pressing Jonathan back onto the sand.

"Eddie-"

"Shhh…relax. I'm going to make it _all_ better…"

?X?X?X?X?X?X?X?

Jonathan squirmed slightly. "Eddie, I have sand in places sand was _never_ meant to be."

Eddie smirked. That's what happens when somebody buries you in sand." he brushed some of it from the Scarecrow's hair. "Don't tell me you haven't cooled off by now…"

Jonathan allowed himself a small smile. "…Yeah."

Eddie grinned. "Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I see a tide pool that looks interesting."

Jonathan sighed and nodded, as well as he could, anyway. It was hard to nod when you were up to your neck in sand.

Closing his eyes as Eddie ran off to look at yet another seashell or whatever was in the tide pool, the Scarecrow relaxed. Eddie had been right. The sand may have been hot on the surface, but below it was nice and cool. Plus, this way no one could see his inadequately clothed body. He could just close his eyes and listen to the waves…and the seagulls…the occasional tourist chatter…the clicking sound of…

_Clicking sound?_

Jonathan's eyes snapped open and he sucked in a breath, finding himself suddenly face to face with a very disgruntled looking crab.

It stared at him with beady black eyes, slowly clacking one of its large claws open and shut.

The Scarecrow blinked, thinking quickly.

_He couldn't move…he was buried far too deep for that. But, maybe the crab wasn't going to do anything. Maybe it was just…looking…_

_And if he laid _really _still…_

The crab inched closer and Jonathan held his breath.

_It wasn't…_

_Was it?_

The cranky crustacean slowly, almost deliberately, reached out one jagged claw.

_Uh-oh…_

Desperately, Jonathan blew at it.

It flinched and then began moving forward. Apparently, it didn't like being blown at…

As it advanced, Jonathan decided to just close his eyes and accept the inevitable.

Clack…

Clack…

Clack…

"YAAA!"

Jonathan's eyes snapped open as, in a flash of green swim trunks and suntan lotion, Eddie dove at the creature, smacking it away from the Scarecrow's face. Even buried as deeply as he was, Jonathan still felt the impact as Eddie landed on top of him.

"_Phew!_" the Riddler exclaimed, fixing his hair. "That was a close one…look! I found a starfish!"

He pointed to his arm, where a large orange starfish was indeed attached. Jonathan looked from the starfish, to Eddie, to the dazed-looking crab lying on the sand a few yards away and suddenly found himself laughing from the sheer absurdity of it all.

"That's great, Eddie…" he chuckled. "Thanks for saving me…"

The Riddler beamed at him, petting the starfish. "No problem!"

?X?X?X?X?X?X?X?

Jonathan stretched, feeling pleasantly sleepy. Beside him, Eddie bounced along, seeming to have recovered from the blow of the Scarecrow telling him he couldn't keep the starfish he'd found. They were almost to the hotel, only a short distance from the beach, and Jonathan was looking forward to a refreshing shower and maybe a nap…

Suddenly, he heard a sharp gasp and turned, thinking it was Eddie. But the Riddler was staring in the same direction.

A young woman dressed in well-worn overalls and a bright pink t-shirt beamed back at them brightly with a gap-toothed grin, straw-colored hair straggling out of her lop-sided ponytail in long wisps.

"Wee-ell, I nevah!" she exclaimed in a thick Southern accent. "If it ain't Jonny Crane!"


	11. Old Friends

"Jonny-boy! Long tahm, no see!"

Before Jonathan Crane could answer the heavily accented blonde, Edward Nygma had stepped in front of him, visibly bristling.

He knew all about the people who had known Jonathan during his brutal childhood and this woman definitely had a Georgian accent.

He glared, standing on his tip-toes to try to block her from the Scarecrow completely, opening his mouth to tell her to leave before he really got nasty-

"Well, what do you know? It's Crazy Milly!"

Eddie blinked. _Crazy…_

Grinning, Jonathan squeezed the smaller man's shoulder. "It's alright, Eddie. She's safe."

"Crazy Milly" nodded, flashing a reassuring gap-toothed grin. "'Bout as safe as a de-clawed kitt'n sleepin' in a puddin'!" She stuck out her hand, still grinning.

"Jonneh said it! Ah'm Milly! Howdy!"

Cautiously, the Riddler took her hand.

"Pleased to meet you, Cra-, ah, Milly. I'm Edward Nygma."

He blinked as she pumped his hand up and down vigorously.

"Wehll, Howdydo, Ed! Ah reckon you'd be a friend o' Jonny-boy's? 'Course ya are! Ah saw the two o' you cavortin' back from the beach an' ah says t' myself, ah says, 'Milly! Don't thet look like ol' Jonny-boy?', an' sure 'nough, it's you!"

She finally relinquished her grip on Eddie's hand, running over to the Master of Fear and throwing her arms around him.

Eddie smirked slightly, even as his hand throbbed, and watched Jonathan chuckle and return Milly's hug.

"It's good to see you again, Mil'"

Milly grinned happily at him, taking a step back to examine him fully.

"Yer jus' like I 'member you…'cept, what happened t' yer voice? You sure are talkin' funny…"


End file.
